I wanted to use this creative piece to reflect how I felt taking an internship class and I used this particular interaction which had transpired to interrogate the rage and pull to the surface exactly how I’ve been feeling during the pandemic
Last week during one of my classes, we were asked to reflect on having to take an internship course during the pandemic. This particular class is one of the most exciting classes to go to, simply because I know everyone in the class. These are my people and because we have had the opportunity to take several courses together that allows me to have some level of expectation and knowing that i don't have in other classes. If you have ever been in an academic setting with me, then you would know: I am vocal; I challenge; and, it doesn’t matter who you are my words are rated “E” for everyone, including the professor.
One of the reasons I am like this is because I’ve learned that being able to say exactly how you feel is just a liberating experience. To me, this freedom to express your thoughts fills the ears of those listening and impregnates those minds within the room to potentially experience the liberation coming out of my mouth in the form of words - at least, that’s how I view it happening - I could just be delusional after all!
In any event, after listening to several of my classmates give their perspectives on having to take this internship class during the pandemic, most of the perspectives bordered on what I deemed to be the socially acceptable responses/narratives. Quite a number of people in the class were working, so for those individuals having to do this course online was seemingly a better option or fit into their schedule, making it a bit smoother than having to come to campus. There were some instances where my classmates feared that they may have to quit just to complete their degree and considering the situation we were in, the idea that jobs are a bit difficult to find plagued their psyche. Others expressed that they had to deal with having to entertain, babysit and deal with distractions of younger siblings, nieces and nephews. One or two persons also discussed how they felt as if they were robbed of the internship experience and all the complexity of the social interactions.
I couldn’t seem to find the “raise your hand” button so I indicated through the chat that I wanted to speak. However, I only had 5 mins because we were heading to an online virtual seminar.
When it was my turn to speak, I acknowledged that I too felt robbed of the social interaction and experience of internship. I took it a step further and stated that I was thoroughly unimpressed with the way the pandemic was being handled nationally. In fact, for me the responses of those in leadership positions at both the governmental and university levels were exactly what I expected: nobody knows what they are doing, i.e “A complete shit show.” To be more “diplomatic” in my response, there is severe lack of leadership and the incompetence is so pervasive that this modus operandi of our national institutions affect every individual in a very negative manner.
I spoke about how I thought that it was unacceptable to be dealing with this lack of competence and leadership and that I not only felt robbed, but angry. And, unlike other classmates who exclaimed that they couldn’t do anything, I would rant, rave, rage against the machine and then throw myself into a book and commit myself to a cause or research which hopefully would make the environment I am inhabiting much easier to exist in for generations to come.
I went even further and intimated that when an individual has been forced to exist in the reality that COVID-19 has induced exposes the capitalistic illusions that have consumed our minds. In experiencing this reality there is a sense of being unbothered because this is all familiar. Why? Because, if your existence occurs from the margins of Bahamian society, this reality has been forced upon you and has been your life for quite some time. You have had to make peace with this reality in order to survive. Furthermore, in order to produce anything that is socially acceptable you have to do so under that reality which makes production twice as difficult because it's not the dominant reality. Even now people only see this reality as “temporary” because they want to get back to how things were but this “temporary” reality is exactly how things have been for marginalized groups in The Bahamas. Essentially, this means that those who identify with the dominant reality are being forced because of COVID-19 to catch up to where I and many others have been forced to exist for all of our existence in The Bahamas.
I further went on to mention how our constitutional rights were being infringed upon without any form of data to corroborate these decision making. Also, instead of engaging professors at the university to help create effective policies or best practices for the context, governmental leaders resorted to taking away the rights like having access to the beach and other rights without any shred of evidence that COVID-19 cases were linked to going on the beach. While it may have not been as clear as I articulated in these words, after having some time to think that’s exactly what I was referring to.
My professor's response really bothered me and in fact it haunted me so much that I had to write about it here because it came off very blasé or nonchalant. I will admit this professor’s insight has caused me to think critically about some of the language I have used because they have pointed out that sometimes I use language that can generalize especially when it might call for specific instances of clarity.
My professor declared that while there is certainly space for us to be critical of what is going on, in her professional perspective, governmental and university leaders have taken their suggestions. My professor added that because they were sitting in the room and at the table they were able to declare that some of those ideas which were suggested in those meetings were now being implemented. Honestly, I take issue with this because a large percentage of Bahamians are not benefitting from those implemented ideas. For example, unemployment is now 40% and with that high level of unemployment Bahamians are being forced to pay for a COVID-19 test instead of it being mandatory health protocol because of the pandemic.
My professor stated that my focus on that which is not working instead of focusing on that which is working could answer why I oscillate daily through the range of emotions daily (because she had asked us earlier on a scale of 1-10, 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest how we felt mainly through this pandemic. This statement, which she may have been trying to offer genuinely I really take issue with.
Now I know we were rushing to an online seminar but (head tilt to the right side and while clutching my imaginary pearls): “Excuse Me?”
Respectfully mam,’ are you serious ?
Are you aware that I exist in the Bahamas from a marginal/excluded position? Now I don’t know how you identify but hopefully would understand how that feels being a Bahamian woman in the Bahamas. However, what was said made absolutely not one shred on sense at all.
Additionally, the national narrative does not acknowledge the existence of a number of marginalized people and women are included in that exclusion to a large degree. Furthermore, I am on the periphery not because I want to be there but because that is where LGBTQ+ individuals perceived or actual, are relegated. This means that what I have seen is often the stupidity and wilful ignorance of Bahamian people who refuse to allow myself and others to exist in this space without stigma, prejudice and discrimination.
I equated this statement to the whole idea that speaking positively somehow makes your life positive. Speaking and thinking positively has nothing to do with the actions of ignorant and asinine people who collectively have made only two particular forms of gender expression acceptable within this space. Are you suggesting that I intentionally focused on these things because I choose to? Again, this is a part of that reality that Bahamians are clamouring to escape with the eradication of COVID-19 and that is not how it works. The reality that COVID-19 has made us aware of will continue to exist even after a cure is found. However, we will seek to return to that place of blissful ignorance in order to escape the cognitive dissonance.
In reframing the statement as a question, I would ask, have I intentionally focused on that which is not functional in Bahamian society or has the society left me no other option but to notice that which does not work. Particularly, since individuals who consider themselves gatekeepers have used the dysfunctional ideologies and institutions to exclude myself and others from society.
Furthermore with the glaring incompetence of our leaders no matter what sector of society you are in, is this really a matter of me focusing on all that is not working or could it possibly be that nothing within the society that I am excluded from is working? The healthcare system has always been chicken shit, governmental services have always been trash and coordinated responses and planning has always never existed and yet, alas it me! I met this system of dysfunction going on, I was born into a systematic structure that vilifies me, my behaviour, my speech pattern, my ideologies and yet somehow it is me that wants to focus on the negative aspects of Bahamian society during this pandemic.
In the words of one of my best friends, WOOOOOOOWWWWW!
Again, this is as if the ideas that have been suggested in virtual meetings spaces are benefiting the majority of the people and have been in place for more than a month. As if, research is valued and used in the creation of best practices in the Bahamas, when we spent five months asking for data for the decisions being made. Never mind, that the situation faced within the space has left no other option but to conform or face persecution and exclusion.
If you’re reading this and you side with my professor, that is fine. However, is it possible that your disagreement comes from a place of privilege that you have or think you possess?
I will end with this with the idea that I have often witnessed several marginalized Bahamians passing or using dominant ideologies, language and behaviour to accrue value and favour within Bahamain society. For example, several women use patriarchal language, behaviour and ideology as if that will make them less oppressed than their counterparts. You can use your proximal privilege all you want, as a Bahamian woman you will never be equal to a Bahamian man because the constitution doesn’t grant you that as a fundamental right. The same goes for any individual that uses the language of oppression against marginalized groups that they are secretly members of in order to pass and escape stigma, prejudice, and discrimination.
I’m not looking for a pity party but on this matter, I have tried to live my life within this space that daily excludes me and commits violence against me. While being enrolled in this internship during this pandemic I am reminded of the fact that even in such a dire state, my existence still remains unacknowledged and even more less of a priority because now the excuse can be made that whatever my issues are they need to be put on hold because we are fighting the “invisible enemy” that is Coronavirus!
And what you will not do, is play in my face like that!